Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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