Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
