Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
