i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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