do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
