can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize