I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
