masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
