life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
