i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
