There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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