I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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