Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
