theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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