There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
