I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My balls are so social today.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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