Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
