my phone needs a breathalizer
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
