You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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