Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Drake has all the answers
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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