I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
