i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
