The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
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Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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