shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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