I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
