Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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