guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
