the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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