I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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