When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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