were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
