So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
