I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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