i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
