I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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