Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
