in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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