Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
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I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
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my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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