Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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