i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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