There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
