JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
