he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
