I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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