every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
