well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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