I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
