I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
