hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
