Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
