I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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