you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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