I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
