and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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