Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
