Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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