I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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