I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
